If you are caught in the painful loop of shame and addiction, please know this: you are not alone, and there is a way through.
Shame is often the quiet, heavy emotion behind addiction. It whispers that you are not good enough, that you are weak, that you have failed. And those whispers can be deafening. They push you toward the very behaviours or substances you might be trying so hard to avoid — and then, after using, the shame returns even louder. It is exhausting. It is heartbreaking. And it is a cycle many people find themselves stuck in.
But here is the truth: you are not broken. You are a human being, coping in the best way you know how with pain, trauma, and unmet emotional needs. And there is hope.
How Shame Feeds Addiction
You might already know this cycle well. It often begins with pain — not just physical pain, but emotional pain from feeling unloved, unseen, or not enough. Shame may come from early life experiences, trauma, rejection, or things that happened that were not your fault. But shame does not always come with big, obvious signs. Sometimes, it shows up quietly — in perfectionism, people-pleasing, isolation, or harsh self-talk.
To escape that pain, you may have turned to something that gave you relief — drugs, alcohol, food, gambling, even overworking or sex. For a moment, it helped. It numbed the ache. But afterward, you may have felt even worse. This is the painful paradox: the very thing you turn to for relief ends up creating more shame.
The Research Behind the Shame–Addiction Cycle
Dr. Gabor Maté, a well-known physician and trauma expert, explains it beautifully:
The question is not why the addiction, but why the pain.
In other words, addiction is not about weakness or a lack of willpower. It is about trying to soothe the deep wounds within — and shame is often right at the core.
Research supports this. A study by Luoma et al. (2019) found that individuals with high levels of internalised shame are more likely to relapse after treatment. Another study in the Journal of Substance Abuse Treatment (Dearing et al., 2005) showed that shame can reduce self-efficacy — meaning, it makes it harder for you to believe you can recover. And without that belief, it becomes even harder to try again.
Finding Freedom: Strategies to Begin Healing Shame
There is no one-size-fits-all path to recovery, but these compassionate strategies — especially when supported through counselling— can help you begin to step out of shame and into healing.
- Acknowledge the Shame
It is hard, but it is powerful. Try naming the feeling rather than running from it. You might have said “I am a failure,” but now, instead try to say, “I am feeling ashamed because I slipped up.” Notice the difference? You are speaking from a place of honesty — but not judgment. - Reach Out for Support
Shame thrives in secrecy. When you open up to someone safe — a counsellor, social worker, support group, or even a trusted friend — it begins to loosen its grip. You might feel exposed at first, but vulnerability is the beginning of healing. - Practise Self-Compassion
Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love. Would you call them weak or worthless for struggling? Or would you say, “You are doing your best. Let us take it one day at a time”? You deserve that same gentleness. - Set Small, Kind Goals
You do not have to change everything at once. Just one step — maybe journaling for 5 minutes, attending a support group, or booking a counselling session — can be enough. Momentum builds from small beginnings. - Remember: Recovery Is a Process
There may be setbacks, but that does not erase your progress. Every attempt, every moment of honesty, every effort to reconnect with yourself — it all matters.
You Are Worthy of Healing
If shame is telling you that you will never change, that you are too far gone — please do not believe it. Those are the lies shame tells you to keep you stuck.
There is hope. There are people who care. There are paths that lead to healing — and you do not have to walk them alone.
You are not what you have done. You are not your worst day. You are a person who has known pain, and who deserves the chance to heal and thrive.
And that healing? It starts right here — with compassion, not punishment. With hope, not shame.
For professional guidance and compassionate support, please reach out. You do not have to navigate this journey alone.
References
- Dearing, R. L., Stuewig, J., & Tangney, J. P. (2005). On the importance of distinguishing shame from guilt: Relations to problematic alcohol and drug use. Addictive Behaviors, 30(7), 1392–1404. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.addbeh.2005.02.002
- Luoma, J. B., Chwyl, C., & Kaplan, J. (2019). Substance use and shame: A systematic and meta‐analytic review. Clinical Psychology Review, 68, 19–34. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2018.12.001
- Maté, G. (2008). In the realm of hungry ghosts: Close encounters with addiction. Knopf Canada.
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